A Reason To Stay
by MythNLynx
Summary: HYD AU. Branching story from Vol. 9:SPOILERS! Is there any reason for Tsukasa not to go to New York? TxT Please R&R! Thank you! Last chapter is up!
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: **As everyone knows, I do not own the characters from **Hana Yori Dango/Boys Over Flowers**. They just hang around my place a lot. They're kinda like cats that way.

Thank you, Kamio-sensei!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_AN: This is a branching from the events in Vol. 9._

**A Reason To Stay**

**A Hana Yori Dango FanFic**

**by Janice Rips**

_Prologue_

--I'm a little sorry I didn't say goodbye properly... but it was a fitting end for us.--

---

Tsukushi hangs up her uniform, grabs her bag, and bids goodnight to the manager at her second job. She thanks him again for keeping her on and promises to do better.

--Kinsan saved me yet again. First he got me this job, now he's helping me keep it. I just wish he hadn't tangled with Doumyouji. I want to keep those parts of my life separate... Oh... right. That part of my life is over.--

Tsukushi is so lost in thought, she doesn't notice the limo that pulls to the curb next to her. The window lowers, and a strong, feminine voice calls out, "Yomogi! Wait up!"

Startled from her reverie, Tsukushi blinks at the smiling face of Tsubaki, Doumyouji's older sister. Tsubaki motions her closer to the car.

"Tsukushi! I'm so glad to see you! Please, join me for dinner tonight."

"I'm sorry, Tsubaki-san, I can't. Your brother and I... well, we didn't part on the best of terms, and I don't think he'll want to see me."

"What did that idiot do now?" Tsubaki exclaims, "I swear, that boy needs a leash to keep him under control."

"No, no," Tsukushi tries to placate her, "It's not his fault this time! He was trying to so the right thing," she explains. "He just... went about it the wrong way. As usual..." she finishes weakly.

"I'm sure. Anyway, you don't have to worry about him, he won't be there. The rest of the F4 are throwing him a going-away party. I'll be surprised if he makes it home tonight."

Tsukushi is surprised. "But aren't you leaving for New York tomorrow?"

"Exactly. He can sleep on the plane. It's a long flight. So, it'll just be us girls tonight. Get in the car. I'll call your parents for you."

Tsukushi can't think of a suitable argument, at least not one that Tsubaki would accept, so she gets in the limo, and they drive off.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"_--I'm a little sorry I didn't say goodbye properly... but it was a fitting end for us.--" is a direct quote from the Viz American release of __**Boys Over Flowers**__ Vol. 9._


	2. Dinner With Tsubaki

**Disclaimer: **As everyone knows, I do not own the characters from **Hana Yori Dango/Boys Over Flowers**. They just hang around my place a lot. They're kinda like cats that way.

Thank you, Kamio-sensei!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_AN: This is a branching from the events in Vol. 9. Many references back to the Viz American release of __Boys Over Flowers__ Vol. 9._

**A Reason To Stay**

**A Hana Yori Dango FanFic**

**by Janice Rips**

_Chapter 1: Dinner with Tsubaki_

It's a typical dinner with Tsubaki. The food is excellent, the wine flows endlessly, and Tsubaki gets more and more boisterous. Soon the conversation moves from polite inquiries about work and school to Tsubaki's favorite subject: Tsukushi's love life.

"So, tell me, how was your night with Rui? You left so early in the morning, I never got to ask you about it. Was It everything you dreamed of?"

"Oh... um... Hanazawa Rui is very, um, kind. And considerate..."

"Wonderful! A woman's first experience _should_ be with a kind and considerate lover!"

"Lover? Tsubaki, wait, you've got it wrong..."

"What, he's kind and considerate... but he's no good in bed?"

"No!!! I mean, I have no idea whether he's..." Tsukushi trails off, blushing furiously.

Tsubaki's face and voice both go flat. "So you're saying... nothing happened."

"Well, not nothing, exactly... but not that."

"Tsukushi, why??? He's young, he's rich, he's good-looking, and he obviously cares enough for you to fight for you. Give me one good reason why you didn't--" Tsubaki uses a vulgarity that makes Tsukushi's face blaze, "--and get it out of your system already?"

"Because he's in love with somebody else."

Tsubaki deflates. "Shizuka."

Tsukushi nods. "Yeah. So we spent the night talking. It seems like we talked for hours. Then he fell asleep. I don't mind... he always looks so angelic when he's sleeping... Then I left at dawn."

Tsubaki sighs. "Tsukushi, I'm sorry. I just wanted your first time to be nice. I really thought it would be best for all three of you. That you would find love with a nice guy, that Rui's heart would start to heal, and that Tsukasa would finally get over you."

"Get over..? But I thought you didn't want me to give up on him?"

"Don't get me wrong-- I think you would be very good for him. You're strong, you stand up for what you believe in, and you don't put up with his nonsense. But I'm not at all sure he's good for you."

"Well, I guess it doesn't matter much now," Tsukushi says forlornly, "Hanazawa Rui's heart belongs to Shizuka, and I... I'm not sure where my heart belongs..." A tear slips out of one downcast eye, and her lower lip begins to tremble.

Tsubaki considers the situation carefully as she pours the younger girl another glass of wine. She needs more information if she has any hope of salvaging what seems to be a hopeless mess. "Okay, Tsukushi, you said you and Tsukasa parted badly. What did my idiot brother do this time?"

"Umm, oh... where do I start? I didn't even find out he was leaving for New York tomorrow until today, and then it was Kazuya-kun who told me... I mean, he didn't even care enough to tell me about it himself. I had to hear about it second-hand!"

"I see... but, knowing him, that's not all, is it?"

"No. As soon as I heard, I went and confronted him about it. He was all nasty 'Why should I tell you?' about it , then he said he'd consider changing his mind if I would get on my knees and beg him."

"That fool... Sometimes I think he only uses his head to display his earring collection," Tsubaki observes.

Tsukushi can't help but chuckle at this, but sobers. "Then, when Hanazawa Rui scolded him for being so mean, he made comments about Rui and I being together, and how he was going to find himself a b-b-blonde!" Tsukushi sniffles.

"And how did you respond to this insulting behavior, Tsukushi?" Tsubaki asks in a low growl.

"What do you think I did?-- I slapped him and said all kinds of horrible things- how he could go for two years or five for all I care, how I was relieved to see him go, and how I was never going to see him again!" the younger girl wailed. "But that's not all! He came to see me at work, ostensibly to say goodbye properly, but he got into a fight with my coworker, and when I tried to stop it," tears are streaming down her cheeks now, "he said he's never coming back!!!"

Tsukushi swallows down half a glass of wine at one gulp, then pauses to compose herself. "I always seem to say or do the wrong thing whenever your brother is involved," she sighs resignedly.

Tsubaki pours more wine, and then asks the question Tsukushi has come to hate. "Tsukushi, do you love Tsukasa?"

Tsukushi looks away. "It doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters!" Tsubaki exclaims. "Tsukushi, don't give up on him! More importantly, don't give up on yourself!"

"It's too late. He's already given up on me. Besides," Tsukushi looks up, eyes brimming, "...besides, I always seem to hurt him, and I just don't want to do that anymore. It's not fair to him, even if he does act like a jerk a lot of the time." Tsukushi takes another gulp of wine, then lays her head down on the table with a sigh. "...I just can't hurt him anymore," she repeats, closing her eyes wearily. Soon, her breathing evens out. She is asleep at the table.


	3. Doumyouji Comes Home Early

**Disclaimer: **As everyone knows, I do not own the characters from **Hana Yori Dango/Boys Over Flowers**. They just hang around my place a lot. They're kinda like cats that way.

Thank you, Kamio-sensei!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_AN: This is a branching from the events in Vol. 9. Again, lots of references to Viz American release of __Boys Over Flowers__ Vol. 9._

**A Reason To Stay**

**A Hana Yori Dango FanFic**

**by Janice Rips**

_Chapter 2: Doumyouji Comes Home Early_

Tsubaki is still considering all Tsukushi has told her, and wondering if there really is nothing she can do to set things straight, when she hears the front door slam.

Tsukasa is home, and in what has become his usual foul mood. "Damn them all! Every one of them! I said I was going, I said I wasn't coming back, and I meant it! Japan can sink in the ocean for all I care," he hollers from the foyer.

"And a 'good evening' to you, too, Little Brother," Tsubaki comments dryly. "You're home early."

Tsukasa glares at her. "Don't push me, Sis. I've had a rotten day, and I don't want to take it out on you."

"Let's sit in the parlor. We'll have some wine, and you can tell Big Sister all about it," she consoles him.

"Frankly, from the smell of things, I'd say you've had enough wine already," he mutters.

"Is that any way to speak to your older sister?!" she shouts at him. "Now. Sit. Talk," she demands.

Tsukasa never could disobey a direct order from her. He sits. "Those assholes I call friends are all hassling me about going to New York," he gripes.

"Well, it was a kind of spur-of-the-moment decision," she points out.

"Spurs-and-what? Ah, never mind," he says. "But the worst of all is Makino."

"Why, did something happen with Tsukushi-chan?" she inquires innocently.

"I just can't figure that girl out!" he snarls in agitation. "I give her my heart and she turns around and sleeps with my best friend. _Former_ best friend," he adds. "So I think, fine, I don't have to stick around here to watch this. I'll bow to our folks' wishes and go to New York. Then she comes and gets all pissy with me, and runs off crying like she's heartbroken or something. _Then_ my friends, _my friends,_ ream me a new one and tell me I had better go and say goodbye to her properly!" he rages indignantly.

"So I go to see her at work, and she's working in this dirty hole of a fast food joint. I mean, if she's gotta work, can't she work someplace nicer? The whole place stinks of grease. So I ask her what she's doing working in a place like that, and this guy she works with gets in my face and tells me to get lost! Me! Some _peon_ says that to _me!_ And just as I'm about to pop him one and put him in his place, Little-Miss-High-and-Mighty says I can't because she owes him, and she gets between us and won't move! She's so stubborn!" He pulls at his hair in frustration. "So I lost it and... I told her I was never coming back," he sighs. "Damn it, why do I always screw up so badly where she's concerned?" he asks his sister plaintively.

--Gee, Tsukushi was just saying the same thing about herself-- "Well," says Tsubaki in a thoughtful way, "you could have a chance to set things right with her."

"You're kidding, right? I mean, I won't get to see her before our flight tomorrow. I'm sure, after how I acted, that she won't come to see me off. God knows, I wouldn't if I were her. I am such a jerk," he laments.

"Hmm... that's not quite true. Except for the part about being a jerk-- that's right on the money. You see, at this very moment, Tsukushi-chan is passed out at our dining room table. Would you take her to a guest room?" she grins.

"She's WHAT?!? Tsubaki, you know that girl can't hold her liquor! Why do you do this? Do you take some sadistic pleasure in getting her drunk and leaving me to deal with the aftermath? One of these times, I won't be able to control myself and I'll end up taking advantage of her, and then neither one of you will ever forgive me! I'll be totally screwed! I might as well shoot myself now and save us all the trouble!" he cries.

"Tsukasa, suck it up!" Tsubaki barks at him, "Be a man! Besides," she continues more kindly, "this my be the opportunity to make things right that you've been looking for."

"Damn it, alright," he mutters. "But she better not barf on me. I like this shirt."

---

Tsukasa picks up an unconscious Tsukushi and heads down the hall. As he shifts his hold on her, she stirs, and begins to murmur in her sleep.

"Mmm... smells so good... Tsukasa," she sighs, "love you... can never tell... sorry... don't wanna hurt you... miss you... lonely... idiot..." She curls into him tighter and snuggles against his chest.

Tsukasa is so floored, he almost drops her to the carpet. --Is that me she's thinking about? It has to be, I'm the only one she calls idiot. But does she really feel that way? Why doesn't she just come out and say it? And why did she sleep with Rui? I don't get it... but maybe Sis is right after all.--


	4. She Said, He Said

**Disclaimer: **As everyone knows, I do not own the characters from **Hana Yori Dango/Boys Over Flowers**. They just hang around my place a lot. They're kinda like cats that way. Especially when they wake me up by sitting on my head.

Thank you, Kamio-sensei!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_AN: This is a branching from the events in Vol. 9._

**A Reason To Stay**

**A Hana Yori Dango FanFic**

**by Janice Rips**

_Chapter 3: She Said, He Said_

Tsukushi wakes up to a sense of warm breath on her ear. A low voice chuckles and says, "You smell pretty nice, too." She sits bolt upright, then groans and flops back on the pillows as the world goes spinning around her. "Take it easy, Makino," says the voice, "if you're sick in the bed, we'll have to change the sheets."

She cautiously opens her eyes. There stands Tsukasa, a smug grin on his face. "You know," he smirks, "we really do have to stop meeting like this."

Tsukushi closes her eyes and rolls away from him, hoping he'll take the hint and go away. No such luck.

Tsukasa perches on the edge of the bed and smiles down at her. "By the way," he continues, "I know you always talk to your self, but did you know that you talk in your sleep?"

"I... what?" she asks weakly.

"You talk. In your sleep," he grins. "And you say the most interesting things."

"I-- I'm sure they're not that interesting," she stammers nervously.

"Hmm, I don't know... is there any reason I should find 'Tsukasa, I love you. I miss you.' interesting?" he asks, raising one eyebrow.

Tsukushi swallows hard. "You must have misheard. I wouldn't have said that, not even in my sleep."

"I see. So this has nothing to do with the other things you said," he frowns.

"I said other things?.." she asks apprehensively.

"Oh yes. You were positively chatty," he replies.

"Damn Tsubaki and her 'one more glass of wine'," Tsukushi mutters.

"It's your own fault. You could've said no," he sneers.

"Have _you_ ever tried to tell your sister _no?!?_ _Why_ does she _do_ that, anyway?!?"

"Actually, I think it's because she likes you," he says, considering. "You're like two peas in a pot."

"A pod. But we're _nothing_ alike! You've said it yourself!"

"On the outside, sure. She's the epitome of female perfection, and you're, well, just you."

"Why, you..."

"But I think she sees in you a kindled spirit."

"Don't you mean 'kindred spirit'? When are you going to learn to speak Japanese?"

"Yeah, that. _What??_ Shut up!!"

"Fool!"

"Knock it off. Besides, maybe I'm right this time. There's a flame inside you that burns so brightly. The only other person I know like that is my sister."

--No way-- she thinks, shocked.

"Anyhow, don't you want to know what else you said?" he asks.

"Not really," she grumbles, "damn your one-track mind."

"What you _said,"_ he continues, disregarding her muttering, "is that you could never tell me. And that you didn't want to hurt me. And that you're... lonely."

--Oh, shit-- "Doumyouji, I was _asleep."_

Tsukasa stares off into space, mulling over his next words. "You know, Makino, I can take a lot from you. You hit me, you call me names, and it really doesn't faze me," he muses, Then he turns to face her directly, deadly serious. "But the one thing I can't stand, the thing I _won't_ take from anyone, is _lying."_

Tsukushi looks bewildered. "But I haven't said anything to you that wasn't true," she pleads.

"That's it in an eggshell. You 'haven't _said_ anything.' It's not what you say, it's all the things that you don't say. That you _won't_ say. There's a term for that, when you leave things out deliberately in order to deceive someone. A Sin of Admission."

"Omission," she corrects automatically.

"Right. That. Omission," he agrees. "You do that all the time. That way, you never have to take a close look at your feelings... and you never have to acknowledge mine," he finishes angrily.

"Oh, for... what does it matter, anyway," she retorts exasperatedly, "you're leaving tomorrow for New York, for who knows how long!"

"Are you really content to leave things that way??" he snaps back.

"What choice do I have? You'll do as you please anyway, like you always do, so don't pretend I have any say in the matter!" she hollers, her face bright red.

Tsukasa goes still. Quietly, he says, "All you'd have to do is ask."

"You mean all I'd have to do is get on my knees and beg. I won't do that for anyone." Tsukushi turns away from him.

"Makino. Look at me. Here's the deal: if you can look me straight in the eye and tell me you have absolutely no feelings for me, I will take my sorry ass out of this room and get on that plane tomorrow, and we can both pretend that there was never anything between us and get on with our lives. If you can do that, I'll let you go. No strings. But if you can't, then we need to work this out. I don't want it to end like this. I don't want us to end like this. Don't blow this off, Makino."

Tsukushi looks Tsukasa in the eye. "I don't--" she starts, then, seeing the disappointment and pain fill his eyes, she turns her head and says softly, "I can't."

It's his turn to look bewildered. "You what?"

"_I can't._ I can't lie to you that way. I can't say I feel nothing when I don't."

"But you can let me walk away and say nothing?? I thought you didn't want to hurt me anymore. Don't you think this hurts?"

"Yes, but so does your double standard."

"What double standard?"

"_You_ told _me_ two things, and you weren't asleep when you said them, either," she accused. "You said 'I take back everything I ever did or said,' and 'I don't feel anything for you anymore.' If those were the truth, why are we even having this conversation?"

Tsukasa stares, stunned, then looks down at his feet. "You're right. I lied. I lied to you... and I lied to myself. I was so hurt. I felt so awful. I just didn't want to feel anything anymore, and I lashed out at you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me, Makino.

"I don't know... Doumyouji, you're a proud man. You don't take hurts lightly. Someday in the future, we'll be arguing, and something will set you off, and you'll say something hurtful like 'Go back to Hanazawa. A Doumyouji doesn't accept sloppy seconds,' and then you'll leave me. And it won't matter whether there actually was anything between Hanazawa Rui and I or not, it will just be what comes out of your mouth because of your pride. Well, I have some pride, too, and frankly, I don't ever want to have that argument. So it doesn't matter whether I care or not. Until you learn to trust me, I can't risk letting you into my life." Tears trail down Tsukushi's cheeks. "I'm sorry it has to be this way. I never asked for this."

Tsukasa reaches out to touch one of the tears on her cheek. He caresses Tsukushi's hair and speaks to her gently. "Hey... don't cry... your face will freeze like that. Shh, it's okay. Look, I love you. I tried not to, but it doesn't do any good. It would have been nice to be your first lover. That would have been special. But," he says, tilting her tear-stained face up and lowering his own to meet it, "what I really want, more than anything, is to be your last lover."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'_I take back everything I ever did or said,' and 'I don't feel anything for you anymore.' are direct quotes from the Viz American release of __Boys Over Flowers__ Vol. 7._


	5. I Want To Be Your Last Lover

**Disclaimer: **As everyone knows, I do not own the characters from **Hana Yori Dango/Boys Over Flowers**. They just hang around my place a lot. They're kinda like cats that way.

Thank you, Kamio-sensei!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_AN: This is a branching from the events in Vol. 9. Many thanks to __SarahNThatcher__ and __LokiGirl__ for your comments and encouragement. I love you ladies!_

**A Reason To Stay**

**A Hana Yori Dango FanFic**

**by Janice Rips**

_Chapter 4: I Want To Be Your Last Lover_

"I want to be your last lover."

The words seem to hang in the air between them. Tsukasa leans in to kiss Tsukushi, but she pulls away and stares at him, startled and a little frightened. "What do you mean by that?" she whispers apprehensively.

"Don't look so alarmed," he quickly reassures her, "I just want to make you so happy, you'll never need anyone else." He sighs. "I don't want anyone else, ever. You're all I need. I just hope, one day, you'll come to feel the same way about me."

"Oh. Um, that's very... flattering, I guess," she says weakly. --Very intense. I'm not sure I can handle this.--

"_Flattering." _Tsukasa scowls. "Is that all you think this is? _Flattery??_ I'm not Soujiro. I don't use false words to loosen a girl's morals. If that's all I wanted, it would be easy," he grates angrily. "I don't _want_ easy. I want _you."_ He gets up and stalks toward the door. "But if you want to continue to deny your feelings, go right ahead. I gave it my best shot. I'm off to New York. I'm sure Tsubaki will have someone drive you home in the morning."

"Doumyouji, wait!" she cries, "Wait. Tsukasa, please?"

"Makino?" he stops, stunned.

"Please," she asks again, "please, wait. I didn't mean it that way. I'm sorry. It's just..." she pauses, "just overwhelming, and intense, and... a little scary."

"Say it again."

"What?" she asks, bewildered.

"My name. Say it again."

"Doumyouji."

"No, the way you just said it. My given name. Say it again."

"I-I-I don't think that's proper..."

"Please. Tsukushi."

"Okay, Tsu... Tsu... Tsukasa."

He rushes back to the bed and gathers her into his arms. He holds her tenderly, his face buried in her hair. "I don't mean to frighten you, it's just that you mean so much to me. Please, Tsukushi, say you love me. Give me a reason to stay."

"Tsukasa," Tsukushi looks up at him, searching for words, "I think I may love you. I don't know yet if I feel as strongly as you do. I'm not sure anyone could. But I do know one thing-- I don't want you to go. I never thought you would go where I couldn't see you. I thought we would always be the same, snarling and yelling at each other. And, strange as it may seem, I would miss that." She smiles and shrugs. "I really would. Pretty stupid, huh?"

Tsukasa returns her smile. "Yeah, very stupid. But I like it when you're stupid like that." He moves in to kiss her, and this time, she doesn't pull away.


	6. Discoveries On The Isle Of You

**Disclaimer: **As everyone knows, I do not own the characters from **Hana Yori Dango/Boys Over Flowers**. They just hang around my place a lot. They're kinda like cats that way.

Thank you, Kamio-sensei!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_AN: This is a branching from the events in Vol. 9._

**A Reason To Stay**

**A Hana Yori Dango FanFic**

**by Janice Rips**

_Chapter 5: Discoveries On The Isle Of You_

Tsukasa's kiss is both passionate and extremely gentle, the depth of his feelings balanced by his very real fear of scaring her off.

Tsukushi returns his kiss more fervently than he expects. Her small hands bury themselves in his hair, nimble fingers entwining among his curls. Suddenly, she pulls back with a startled, "Oh!"

"What? Is something wrong?" he asks, concerned.

"No! No, it's just... your hair!"

"My hair? What about it?"

"It's soft!" she exclaims.

"It's WHAT?"

"Soft!" she repeats, "And silky!"

Tsukasa eyes her warily. "And is this a problem, somehow?"

"No, not at all," she reassures him, "I was just surprised. I expected it to be... coarser. It's the first time you've let me touch it," she adds shyly.

"Wait a minute," he says suspiciously, "I thought you hated 'my stupid hair.' I thought you preferred it straight?"

"Well, straight does suit you, but actually, I've grown rather fond of your curls," she admits. "May I?' she asks, reaching for him again.

"I guess so," he responds nonchalantly, but he is secretly pleased. He values her opinion more than he lets on.

As her fingers tangle among his curls once more, one hand inadvertently brushes his ear. Tsukasa inhales sharply, flushing deep red.

"Tsukasa? Did I do something wrong?" she asks, puzzled.

"Ah, my ears, they're sensitive," he replies, his face blazing crimson.

"Oh, really?" She watches him, curious, one fingertip tracing the delicate curve of his left ear.

"Tsukushi, don't toy with me," he groans, his expression an agony of desire.

She quickly withdraws her hand. "Sorry." She turns away, embarrassed.

He gently turns her back to face him. "Hey, it's okay. Just be careful," he says, bending to kiss her once more.

His hands drift lightly from her shoulders down her arms, then settle at her waist, long finger burrowing beneath the hem of her blouse to feather across her back and fiddle with the back of her bra. He feels her body tense, and he withdraws, a look of hurt puzzlement plastered across his face.

--Oh, that's right-- Tsukushi realizes --he doesn't know that nothing happened between Hanazawa Rui and me. He probably thinks I'm rejecting him.--

His next words confirm her suspicions. "Makino, if you don't want me, say so, but don't lead me on... Maybe it would be best if we stop, anyway. Won't this upset Rui?" he asks, looking at his feet.

Tsukushi reaches out and takes his hand in both of hers. "Hanazawa Rui and I have an understanding. This won't bother him.

Tsukasa still won't look at her. "But it bothers me. I don't want to share you. I'd rather let you go."

"Doumyouji, it's _not_ an issue. Hanazawa Rui and I _aren't_ together." She brings his hand to her cheek, then turns to place a kiss in his palm. "I _do_ want you. I just need you to move a little more slowly. This is still very new to me."

"Then how do _you_ want to proceed?" he asks, looking at her expectantly.

"Oh! Um... well... that is..." she stammers.

"Makino, if you have something to say, just say it," he stares at her, nonplussed.

"Okay... I thought, maybe, you could join me here on the bed, and we could just, well, start over?" she suggests, blushing fiercely. "And Doumyouji, don't... that is, if I start to tense up again, don't pull away. Just wait a minute, and let me get used to things. If you stop altogether, I'll lose my nerve, and... I really want this. I really want to be with you," she finishes softly.

--She wants to be with _me!_ She isn't turning me away!-- Joy wells up in Tsukasa, and he joins her on the bed. He draws her into his arms and bends to gently kiss her again. As he pulls back from kissing her, he looks down at her, only to find her staring up at him, wide-eyed. "Why are you looking at me like that? Do I have something on my face?"

"No. You're fine. I just want to memorize what you look like now," she says quietly, "just in case."

"In case of what?" he inquires softly.

"In case... you decide to go to New York after all," she smiles sadly.

"I don't think that's going to happen," he reassures her with a tender smile, then kisses her again. He eases her back onto the pillows, trailing kisses from her lips across her jaw and down her slender throat.

One hand wanders to the hem of her blouse again, pushing the material out of the way, making room for him to trace lazy circles across the taut skin of her belly. Again she tenses, but he lays his hand flat and waits, until she gives him a little nod and whispers a shaky, "Thanks."

Suddenly her small hands flutter restlessly about him, stroking his throat here, tracing his collarbone there, finally settling on a chosen task: his shirt buttons.

He lets her tug at his shirtfront for a bit, then takes both her hands in his to still them. "Here, let me get it," he says, and pulls the half-buttoned shirt over his head and off in one graceful motion. He shakes his head in amusement at her open-mouthed stare. "Makino, you've seen me without my shirt before," he chuckles.

She shuts her mouth abruptly. "I know that," she says, blushing. he kisses her again, and she holds very still, fighting the impulse to flee, hyper-aware of the sensation of his long fingers deftly working the buttons of her blouse.

He half-reclines on his side and chuckles again. "Tiny," he says with a sly grin.

"My buttons?" she asks, baffled.

"No, silly. You. You're so petite, maybe I should call you my 'chibi girl'," he teases.

Tsukushi sits bolt upright. "I do not have a child's body!" she snaps indignantly...

... as her unbuttoned blouse falls open. Small, high firm breasts peek from the lacy demi-cups of her bra, heaving enticingly in her ire. Her slender waist flares down to the soft curve of her hips, still hidden by he skirt. She gasps and tries to pull the parted halves of her blouse together.

Tsukasa's eyes darken with longing. "No," he says quietly, "you definitely do not. Perhaps I'll call you my 'pocket Venus' instead."

"Idiot. Don't say stupid things."

"It's not stupid. If I could, I would put you in my pocket and carry you around with me all the time." He reaches over and eases her blouse from one shoulder. "Let me see you," he coaxes.

Tsukushi lets her head hang forward. Her hair falls across her face like a curtain of silk. Then she lets the blouse slide down her arms, leaving herself exposed to Tsukasa's view.

"Tsukushi. Tsukushi, look at me." She shakes her head at his request. Tsukasa is persistent. "Look at me. Please. When I say I want to see you, I'm not just talking about your body. I want to see your face. I want to see what you're feeling."

"Right now I'm feeling embarrassed, and unattractive, and nervous. I don't know if I can look at you."

"Of course you can. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. I think you're beautiful... and as long as I think you look good, what else matters? Besides," he smiles at her, "do you really think a guy like me would be caught in bed with an ugly girl? Give us both more credit. I could have my pick of girls, but I chose you. As for being nervous," he continues, "I'm nervous as hell."

Tsukushi looks up, startled. _"You're _nervous? But, why??"

"Because... because I'm pretty inexperienced at this... In fact, I've never done this before. I want so badly to make you happy, and I'm afraid I'll mess it up somehow, and then you'll get angry... or laugh," he says, turning deep red. "I don't want to disappoint you," he adds softly.

"How can you think that way," she says sternly. "The only way you could disappoint me is if you turned out to be a selfish bastard who's just out to get what he wants without any regard for my feelings. Is that the kind of man you think you are?"

Tsukasa is shocked. "No! I told you, I want to make you happy! I'd never treat you that way!"

"Then what's with this attitude? Do you think I have such a vast wealth of experience to compare you against?" She leaps off the bed and begins to pace agitatedly, seemingly unaware of her half dressed state. "I don't know why you think so many boys want me. Heck, I don't even know why _you_ want me. I'm a skinny loudmouth without two yen to rub together. I don't act all girly just to get my way. If you want a girl who'll bat her eyes and simper at you and say things like 'it's my first time, please be gentle', then go see Sanjo Sakurako. She'll play those games, pretending to be innocent while she does it with everything on two legs with a Y chromosome and an open wallet," she snarls angrily.

"H-how did you know about that???"

"I didn't, but I'm not surprised. And am I expected to believe you turned that down?!?"

"Of course I did! What's with you? Why are you trying to start a fight?!?" he shouts.

"I don't know!!!" she hollers back, and bursts into tears.

"Then stop it!" He springs off the bed and pulls her into his arms. He strokes her hair as she sobs into his chest. "Just stop. We're both stressed, and this will get us nowhere." He bends so that he can look her in the face. "Tsukushi, listen to me. You and I, we're not so different. We play rough, we speak plain, we lash out when we're hurt. But there is one big difference--- when I get my heart set on something, I go for it, and the hell with the consequences. But you're so busy trying to make everyone happy and live up to your own impossibly-high standards, that you don't ever consider your own needs and desires. Haven't you ever wanted anything so badly that you just had to reach out and grab it with both hands, and never let go? Think about it, Tsukushi, what do you want?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_AN: 'as long as I think you look good, what else matters?' is a direct quote from the Viz American release of __**Boys Over Flowers**__ Vol. 6._


	7. What I Want

**Disclaimer: **As everyone knows, I do not own the characters from **Hana Yori Dango/Boys Over Flowers**. They just hang around my place a lot. They're kinda like cats that way. I wish they would let me sleep.

Thank you, Kamio-sensei!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_AN: This is a branching from the events in Vol. 9. Big, big spoiler for Vol. 10! Do not read if you don't want to know! Again, many thanks to __SarahNThatcher__ and __LokiGirl__, and to everyone else who's been reading my scratch! Love you!_

**A Reason To Stay**

**A Hana Yori Dango FanFic**

**by Janice Rips**

_Chapter 6: What I Want_

Tsukushi sits back down on the bed. She pulls her feet up, and rests her chin on her knees, lost in thought. She cocks her head to the side and looks at Tsukasa, a slight frown creasing her brow. "I don't think anyone has asked me that since I was a child. The last person to ask me that, and really care about the answer, was my Papa, when I was about eight years old. I haven't thought about what I want in a very long time."

"So, what did you want, back when you were eight?" he asks with a smile.

"Never mind. A rich guy like you would just think it was silly."

"So? We're all pretty silly at that age. Tell me anyway."

"It's stupid, but, okay. I wanted to be a princess. I wanted to live in a big house, and own a dozen pretty dresses. My Mom would always tell me, 'Not on your Father's salary.'"

"That's not so bad. You could still have that, if you really wanted it," he says softly.

"Nah, that's my Mom's dream. That's how I ended up at Eitoku in the first place. But being a princess would be boring. Sitting around looking like a knick-knack and acting oh-so-proper, even just in public, isn't my idea of fun. So, what about you? What does the eight-year-old boy who has everything want?"

"A poor girl like you will laugh."

"Trust me, it can't be any dumber than what I said."

"Actually, it could. I wanted two things. First, I wanted my parents around more often."

"That's not dumb at all. That's just sad."

"Hey, don't get all teary-eyed about it. Can't change the past by crying about it. Anyway, the second thing was really silly. I wanted to eat an okonomiyaki."

"You WHAT?" she bursts out giggling.

"See, I told you you'd laugh. There were these middle-class boys we would pass on the way home, and they would always stop and buy okonomiyaki from a cart. It looked interesting and smelled good, and I developed an intense desire to try one, but the guys said it would make me sick."

"They _are_ good. So, did you ever get to try one?"

"Yeah, actually, I did. One night I refused to eat my filet mignon--"

"Oh, you poor thing! You're such a spoiled brat!" she mocks.

"--Quiet, you! As I was saying, there I was, a fine cut of Kobe beef in front of me, and I wouldn't eat it because I wanted something you could buy from a vendor's cart. Tsubaki learned how to make them just for me. She has her good moments." He blushes and says, with an embarrassed laugh, "It's still one of my favorites."

Tsukasa climbs up on the bed behind Tsukushi, cradling her in the circle of his long arms and legs. Setting his chin on her shoulder, he asks her, "And now? What do you want for yourself now?"

"Hmm... I don't know. There are things I want for the future, but nothing I feel intensely passionate about. I want to finish high school, maybe go to university. I want to live on my own and not have to support my family so much. I want to fall in love and get married someday, and have a couple of kids, and be able to raise them without all of the hardships I've had to go through. I want to travel; I really want to go to Hawaii for my honeymoon... I guess that's about it. It's pretty simple. I just want to be happy."

"Mmm, sounds nice," he purrs in her ear. "Of course, a month is a long time to spend in Hawaii. Maybe we'll go to Tahiti as well."

"Wait, what are you talking about, a month? Who says I'm going to Hawaii with you? I told you, I'm saving that for my honeymoon."

"Don't most couples honeymoon together?" he asks, nuzzling her neck.

"Most couples get married first," she replies, flustered.

"Okay," he answers, running his fingers up and down along her ribcage.

"What?!?" she turns and stares at him.

"Marry me," he says simply.

"I'm not ready to marry anyone! I'm still in high school!" she gasps.

"Well, think about it, at least, okay?" he murmurs into her hair.

"Doumyouji Tsukasa, I am not--"

Tsukasa kisses her deeply, cutting off her tirade. He smiles to himself as she melts into his embrace.

He pulls back, and she gazes up at him, dazed. Her eyes are heavy-lidded, and her face slack. Then she becomes aware of herself again, and her gaze sharpens. She glares at him and pouts, "No fair."

"I told you, when I want something, I go for it," he smirks.

She starts to fume, when she suddenly notices his bare chest, mere inches from her face. A deliciously naughty idea forms in her mind. --Two can play at this game.--

He's so absorbed in his own smug good humor, he doesn't notice the mischievous gleam in her eye as she turns toward him. When her small, pink tongue darts out to flick the flat, brown disk of his nipple, he almost falls off the bed in shock. "Tsukushi!!!" he gasps.

"I saw something I wanted, so I went for it," she grins.

"Oh, is that so?" he replies, raising an eyebrow. On his face is a look of speculation combined with admiration that he gets whenever she does something pleasantly unexpected. Suddenly he pounces, knocking her onto her back, and starts nuzzling her bare belly.

Tsukushi shrieks with laughter, digging her hands into his hair and trying to pull him off her. This playful Tsukasa is new to her, seen only in boyish glimpses before, and her heart flutters in a way it never has before, not even for Hanazawa Rui. She tousles his curls and pulls him to her, her face angled upwards for a kiss.

He obliges, pausing with his lips mere millimeters from her own. "Do you know what I think is 'no fair'?" he murmurs against her mouth.

"No, what?" she breathes.

"It's not fair," he answers, "that you can do that to me, and I can't do _anything_ back to you, because this--" he tugs gently on one of her bra straps, "--is in the way."

"Well," she flushes pink, "you _could_ take it off," she says softly.

"Uh, I already tried," he confesses, blushing too, "but I couldn't find the clasp."

"Oh... it's in the front," she blushes more deeply.

"Ah. That's why." Tsukasa plants a gentle kiss on the tip of her nose. Then he looks down at her in consternation. "How do I--?"

"Um, here. You just kind of click it open... like so," she demonstrates, sitting up.

The bra falls away, and he stares at her, mesmerized. The silence stretches out, and Tsukushi becomes more uncomfortable with every passing moment. Finally, she can no longer stand it. She bows her head, the dark fall of her hair covering her modestly, and says, "I'm sorry."

He shakes his head, as if awakening from a trance. "What? What for?"

"I'm sorry," she repeats. "I'm sorry if I don't meet your expectations."

"Tsukushi, don't be stupid."

"But you were so quiet, and you just stared at me. I thought you were disappointed," she says, looking hurt.

"Idiot. That's not it at all."

"Then why..?"

"I was thinking."

"You _were? _Of what?" she looks at him, startled.

"I was thinking that you're like Spring," he muses.

"Spring?"

"Don't repeat everything I say," he snaps.

"But..."

"Spring. Cherry blossoms, pink and white. Oh, so beautiful. Fresh and new and bursting with life. You know, _Spring,"_ he reiterates, his face pink.

She stares at him, wide-eyed. A tear rolls down her cheek.

Seeing this, Tsukasa turns away, disgusted with himself. "Ah, damn it, I messed up again and made you cry," he mutters.

Tsukushi places her hand on his cheek, turning him to face her. "No. I'm just touched," she smiles at him, "you've never said anything so... so... sweet to me before."

He reaches for her, but she scoots to the edge of the bed and gets to her feet. "Where are you going?" he asks.

"Nowhere. I'm just getting rid of these," she answers, stepping out of her skirt and panties.

Tsukasa is struck speechless again. Tsukushi clambers onto the bed. She leans over, kisses his cheek, and whispers in his ear, "Come here."

Instead of joining her, Tsukasa reaches into the pocket of his slacks. Then he stands and pats down his pants pockets. She watches, puzzled, as, with a look of dawning horror, he rummages through the nightstand drawer, then runs off into the adjoining bath, where she can hear him tearing things apart, opening cabinets, and cursing softly to himself.

Finally, he comes back out and sits on the end of the bed with a resigned sigh. "Makino, put your clothes back on," he says, not looking at her.

"Tsukasa?" she asks uncertainly.

"Please. Get dressed. We can't do this after all."

"But, why? I thought this was what you wanted? What we _both_ wanted."

"Sometimes we don't get what we want, do we?" he mutters.

"What happened to seeing what you want and going for it?" she asks, baffled.

"My own stupidity!!!" he roars, frustrated. "I want you, but I don't think either of us is ready to be a parent yet, and, fool that I am, I don't have any... _protection!"_

Tsukasa can only gape, flabbergasted, as Tsukushi starts to laugh. Finally, he gets angry. "Stop that!! I don't find this funny at all!!!"

She takes a couple of breaths to regain her composure, then throws her arms around him, still grinning. He freezes up, trying not to touch her. "Makino! Don't!"

"Doumyouji, calm down; listen to me," she says, sitting back on her heels. "Do you remember a couple of months ago, when a _certain_ person in this room thought he was within his rights to attack a certain _other_ person in this room in the hallway after school?"

"Um, yeah... I'm... sorry about that..."

"Oh ho, so he finally apologizes! Well, this other person has a mother who was, shall we say, _distressed_ at the state of her daughter's clothing."

"Get to the point, already," he fumes.

"Well, this mother, being a _pragmatic_ sort of person, realized that preserving her daughter's virtue might prove... _difficult._ As a result, this certain other person has been on birth control pills ever since that incident," she smiles.

He takes a moment to process all this, then, "...You mean...?"

"I mean, if you still want me, I'm yours."

With a smile like a child on Christmas morning, Tsukasa stands and strips out of his slacks and silk boxers. He approaches the bed with leonine grace, but hesitates, noting Tsukushi's wide, dark eyes. "Hey," he says softly, "are you scared, Tsukushi?"

"N-no, not really. But my heart is pounding," she answers.

He sits next to her and takes her hand, placing it on his chest. "Mine too."

"Are you sure?--" "--Are you sure?" they both start to say, then laugh together.

He kisses her softly and says, "I've never been more sure of anything."

She bravely meets his eye. "I love you, Tsukasa."

"I love you, too," he answers. He pulls her into his arms, clinging to her like a lifeline. She lays her head against his chest. The pounding of his heart mirrors her own. She rubs her cheek against him, marveling at the feel of skin on skin. His eyes darken with desire, and when he eases her back among the pillows, she doesn't resist.

He rains kisses down upon her neck as his long fingers roam her body, stroking here, caressing there, seeking the more sensitive places in his quest to please her. And seeking, he finds, one spot just above her hip, another behind her knee, each touch eliciting a shiver, a sigh.

She tries to return his caresses, but he kisses her fingertips, whispering, "Shh, later. Just relax and feel. This is for you," so she contents herself with touching his back, his shoulders, anywhere she can reach.

At first, she is drowning in a sea of sensation, fighting the waves crashing over her. As she relaxes, she finds she can ride the pleasure coursing through her, experiencing and enjoying without dissolving into panic.

Her soft sighs and incoherent murmurs of pleasure drive him to greater ardor, and when his lips wander down her breasts and he suckles one rosebud nipple, lightning flashes through her and his name flies from her lips like a prayer. He shifts position, and she can feel the length of him, warm and heavy against her thigh. He dips his hand to the molten warmth of her core, testing, teasing, until her breath hitches in her throat and his fingers are coated in slickness. He brings them to his lips, tasting her essence. Once more he asks gently, "Tsukushi, are you certain you want me?"

"Yes, Tsukasa," she moans softly, "please."

He knells between her thighs, positioning his member at her moist folds, and begins to enter her. Caught up in the sensations of warmth and wetness surrounding him, he only vaguely registers the resistance meeting him, and instinctively, he thrusts harder. Her barrier gives way, and he finds himself buried deep within her.

Shock washes over him like ice water as he hears her sharp hiss and realizes what has happened. "Ts-Tsukushi??" he stutters, staring down at her. Her eyes are wide, her lower lip caught firmly between her teeth. "I don't understand," he says, "I thought you and that guy Thomas--?" She grimaces and shakes her head vehemently. "But surely you and Rui--?" Her gaze softens, and again she shakes her head in denial. Wonder and guilt war within him. He brushes a stray strand of hair from her cheeks and quietly asks, "Did I hurt you?"

"It- it stings a little," she stammers.

"I'm sorry. Do you want to stop?" he offers.

"No. I want... you." She gives him a shaky smile. "Only you."

He sets up a gentle rocking rhythm, trying to allow her body to become accustomed to his. When her hips start to rise to meet him, he thrusts a bit harder, and is rewarded by her soft sigh of pleasure. He increases the pace, stroking one thumb back and forth across her nipple.

As the pressure builds, her senses tumble like a milkweed seed in a windstorm. She cries his name as climax rips through her. Her nails score his back as she shudders violently beneath him, and he falls with her, his hoarse shout echoing her own. His seed spilling deep within her, he collapses, trembling, atop her. He rolls to the side, drawing her along with him so that she now rests atop him, and they cling to each other, spent and shaken.

Gradually, their senses return. Tsukushi props herself up and smiles down at him, one hand toying with his sweat-sodden curls. "Tsukasa?"

"Hmm?" he murmurs.

"What now?" she asks.

"Well... we _could_ do it again," he answers, a devilish gleam in his eye.

"No," she laughs softly, "I really don't think we _can."_

"Hmm... perhaps you're right. Maybe later?" he asks hopefully.

"Definitely," she replies. "Want to sleep?"

"Only if you'll be here when I wake up," he whispers.

"I promise," she assures him. "You do likewise."

"I will," he promises. "Oh! And remind me to cancel my flight in the morning."

"Absolutely," she replies, hugging him.

"You know, my sister's going to freak when she finds out," he says, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, but it'll be happy freaking," she laughs.

"You're right," he laughs too. "Tsukushi."

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"I love you, too, Tsukasa."

"And thanks."

"Thanks? What for?"

"For giving me a reason to stay."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_AN: I loved the "okonomiyaki story" that Tsubaki tells Tsukushi in Volume 10, when she's explaining the Miss Teen Japan contest. Since it's also one of Tsukasa's memories, and this is an AU, I felt justified in letting him tell it his way here. Obviously, I don't own that idea, either--thanks again, Kamio-sensei!_


End file.
